I was feeling frustrated for about the past 24 hours. Yesterday, I was on FaceTime with a friend catching up and I got to talking about how I decided to name my blog ‘accidental hypocrite’, what inspired it, reactivating my old accounts of the same name, and the gameplan. I got really excited sharing this update, especially since she was the 1st person I told. I didn’t even read the whole blog article I wrote, I summed it up to make it more digestible knowing she’s not really a blog reader. I was thinking she might have at least SOMEthing to say…..but nope….nothing. Complete deadpan. No opinion. No commentary whatsoever. After leaving some time and space for her to say her piece about any of it, I just pulled the ‘anyways, enough about me. whats goin on wit you?’ to which she proceeded to tell me about her day to day tasks 😭 And then my cousin came over for a bit, but I just didn’t tell her about it because well fuck. Who wants to hear about my shit, right? (I’m dramatic I know. Leo rules my chart, what can I say). I was definitely in my head but didn’t think on it too long before I went to bed.
Then, I woke up today choosing violence. I could not stop obsessing over that conversation! It led my train of thought back to October when I had a disagreement with a different friend. We were hanging out together with this guy when the topic switched to my favorite anime. She proceeded to say that anime is boring and went to sleep. So I made one request of her which I expressed like ‘I wish you would ask more questions and have more of a curiosity when it comes to the interests and things I talk about. Like even if it’s not something you’re into or know about, we can still have a conversation about it so the energy can be fully reciprocated.’ Specifically, I thought back to the advice I received from my brother about that situation. Basically that some people don’t give a fuck about anime nor do they want to talk about it, and to stop being such an active participant in conversations with friends when they’re talking about stuff I don’t care for.
I thought, what a load of horse shit! You don’t have to like certain things to be able to talk about certain things. At that point, how are we supposed to converse all the time?
"Anyways, what you been up to, Hunner?"
"Not shit, workin. What about you?"
"Oh, same."
"Alright cool, alright, talk to you tomorrow, same time? Cool."……?? I crave more than dry ass conversations. If people don’t know how to converse, why are we talking? How is that any different from being acquaintances or colleagues? What should I do? So I humor myself and get to thinking if that’s even possible for me. For my own sanity and the sake of not feeling resentful, should I require everyone to fill out a Google form to request a call, letting me know what kind of conversation they want?
"Hmmmm. Dry conversation.......I can't today. I can squeeze in one tomorrow morning before work when I'm already dreading the day though. That work for you? Matter fact, just text that to me. That doesn't need to be a phone call. That can be a text, or an email if you prefer."
Yeah, no! I’m not doing that. Hey Rik, as a Pisces woman, I can’t follow your advice this time around, bro 😂
The idea of having to basically reduce myself, to just be like ‘oh wow, that’s crazy, anyways—‘ just to converse with people I call my friends without feeling resentment, is too insane for me to wrap my head around! That’s not ME. If you’re not going to reciprocate and give me space to be real, to feel heard, to go deep or explore whatever random or meaningful thing is on my mind, and you instead just make me feel like I’m talking to a wall and that my interests and passions only matter in isolation, I just won’t have the desire to talk to you.
So I wrote some lyrics about how I was feeling, played the guitar, and when I still felt bothered, I vented to my mom. She told me:
Everyone of us, including me, has our limitations. When one of your friends is talking to you about some shit you literally give NO fucks about except that they care about it, is it your genuine self that’s listening, or is it the part of you that feels an obligation to your friend and the friendship? Maybe I just think differently, but I’d rather talk about certain things with people who get it. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with people who don’t, they’re just not going to engage with me on the level I’d want – so why bother?
But my genuine self likes to hear people talk about the things they’re passionate about, even if I’m not passionate about them. And ultimately, no one thing or topic is completely isolated. So even if they’re talking about cars, which I don’t know much about nor do I particularly care for, because I’m actively listening and participating in the conversation, now I know they love 67′ Chevy Impalas–oh! That’s the car Dean Winchester drives in Supernatural, right? That’s a dope car.
I also like to learn new things, so even if I don’t know anything about it or I’m not interested in it, I still ask questions. For example, my best friend is a tattoo artist. I don’t know jack shit about tattoos (I’m still a tattoo virgin. RIP 💀⚰️) nor do I intend to be a tattoo artist, but if she shows me a tattoo she did, I’m like “oh shit, that looks dope! How long did it take you to do that?”
Now, of course there will be people that are more knowledgeable about a topic that I could go deeper into a conversation about said topic with. But as an adult, why would you not show even remotely any interest in how your friend’s mind works? How do you not even form an opinion?
In my case, I didn’t say “oh, I found out the proper terminology for the brakes of a car is Neosporin and its connected to the Vaseline. (told u I don’t know cars)” I wasn’t even saying anything remotely specific like that. I was talking about a new way to think about hypocrites and what that means. All of us know what a hypocrite is. So having stated my opinion on hypocrisy and how it inspired me, how do you not have one single thought, one single thing to say? I might as well have talked to my cat Doja about it. At least she would’ve meowed! 🐱😆
To say nonetheless, I was still conflicted. I felt alone in my perspective–so I went runnin’ for answers.
I was briefly searching Substack and YouTube for something, someone relatable to my predicament and came across this TedTalk on ‘Free Intelligent Conversation’ by Kyle Emile. In it, Kyle discusses how one day, on a spur of the moment decision, he and his friends decided to go to Chicago, and hold up signs on the sidewalks that said ‘Free Intelligent Conversation’. Their working definition of intelligence is:
We think everyone is intelligent. More important than the collective information we have is the life experiences we each possess. And because we each have this unique combination of life experiences, we always have something to share and we always have something to learn from someone else. It’s when these experiences are shared that intelligent conversations take place. – Kyle Emile
They ended up gathering so many random people just excited to talk about different things! They wound up talking about Karl Marx’s economic philosophies and how they influenced & led to the decay of Chicago’s intercity.
And I’m like ‘YES!’ this is exactly what I was looking for! I have no idea what we’re talking about, but this is exactly what I was looking for! – Kyle Emile
He goes further into detail about some of the people he talked with and things he learned from them. It’s a great story so I highly recommend you go watch the video! But one key takeaway was the goal this movement has:
We’re trying to create a place where we celebrate eachother’s differences. So many times, our differences are used to separate us, and these differences, whether they’re social, racial, cultural, or economical are things that we’re careful of when we talk to different people. But these differences shouldn’t be used to separate us because it’s these differences that allow for great conversations. Instead, we should be celebrating eachother’s differences. – Kyle Emile
Apparently the group of guys he talked to were still talking and exchanging phone numbers after he left and made his way back, planning their next outing. All because some friends decided to go out with signs and hold space for different types of conversation. And they weren’t doctors or experts of some profession flexing how much shit they know. These were just regular people on the street of different identities, backgrounds, sharing their perspectives — that itself makes things interesting. That itself is an intellectual conversation.
The fact that Kyle didn’t know about Karl Marx’s economic philosophies but still participated and had a great time in that conversation goes to show that anyone with a sense of curiosity can have intellectual conversations and just talk about things. You don’t have to be an expert of a topic to talk about it. Especially with different people that have different outlooks that are just, different. I might argue you’re even more capable of having great conversations with them than with people that are more similar to you. And this doesn’t just apply to new people, but even the people you already know that have different lifestyles and interests.
If you don’t know by now, I’ve been having hella spiritual downloads and a huge spike in creativity over the last month. Normally, I’m very asocial. Selectively social, if you will. There’s 2 people I talk to every day (including my mother. I know she’s sick of me). A couple every few days. The rest, more sparingly and with brief communication. But during and even since my 2nd week of revelations, I’ve had this strong craving to talk to people 2-3x more than I usually do. I was calling my go-to people more often, even hitting up people I hadn’t talked with in a while, to converse. Normally after I socialize a certain amount, I don’t feel the need to reach out to anyone for a week or 2. But this craving hasn’t really subsided this time. I realized my social energy isn’t being satiated because I’m not talking to the right people, essentially. I think I’m complaining about my friends and, while they could still do better, I probably just need to go outside and meet new people.
Funny enough, my new horoscope from @Typewriter Astrology (yall shoulda been checked her out but if you haven’t yet, go check her after I’m done!) told me I can only listen to so many podcasts and read so many self-help books, that I need to start actively participating in life. What’s familiar is starting to feel small and limiting, like I grew to 10 ft tall but I’m still living in a house I built when I was 5ft tall. She states:
Sometimes growth comes from proximity to difference, not similarity. Expansion isn’t always about doing more, often it’s about feeling more. About noticing the limits of your current worldview and saying, ‘This isnt wrong, but maybe its incomplete. – @Typewriter Astrology
Between this and the video, the universe is literally screaming out me to get TF out of the house 😂
I’m especially thankful I found that video. It gave me the guidance, the push I needed to get out there and talk to new people while simultaneously validating how I feel. It also goes to show that the topic itself doesn’t need to be a particular thing one needs to be interested in or knowledgable about to talk about. It’s the people and their curiosity that make the conversation OF said topic, that are interesting. It’s the people that make a conversation great.
References
Free Intelligent Conversation | Kyle Emile | TEDxAndrewsUniversity
Typewriter Astrology (website | IG )
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