Why do we so easily overvalue our romantic relationships while dismissing our platonic ones?
In my previous article, where I discussed my natural curiosity and frustration with those who lack it (especially friends), I mentioned how some of the familial advice I received is that I can’t change people and it ultimately comes down to whether or not I’m willing to accept that and accept them.
Honestly? Yeah. I get that take. I already know I can’t change people. And yes, I will accept my friends. They’re pretty dope people and I don’t see myself cutting them off ever, definitely not in the foreseeable future.
However, who ever said we can’t make requests of our friends in the first place? Can’t initiate that conversation? Maybe the better question is, why is that never the solution, the advice that’s offered when we do feel a disconnect and misalignment with them?
It could just be my experience and I’d definitely be eager to know if anyone else notices that, but I have a feeling I’m not the only one. And I’m not coming from a place of judgment, but rather a place of understanding—I’ve been there before. I’ve distanced myself from two good friends for an insecure ex (who, spoiler alert! ended up cheating lol). I’ve honestly tolerated so much fuckery from a romantic partner, but yet, when it came to the one conflict that I’d have with a (few) long-term friendship(s), I’m talking an average of 10 – 18 years of friendship, they pissed me off soooooo bad. Sooo so bad. I didn’t know what to do 😂 And these are great women! Mind you. Not the piece of shit frogs so many of us end up kissing, unfortunately. And the root cause of each conflict was ultimately either: miscommunication, misunderstanding, bad-timing of communication, and/or a trigger.
To sum it up, for most of these, I distanced myself until I could think straight and not be so clouded by emotions that I couldn’t effectively navigate the conflict. Others, I just straight up popped off on and apologized after (Sorry Riss, ILY SO BAHD 👹). Yet all, I struggled with.
During one of the last conflicts I had after I made a request and gave constructive (not deconstructive) criticism to a friend which she didn’t initially receive well, I really struggled. Maybe because I’m still not used to platonic conflict. Maybe because it is platonic, that I care more. Maybe because that was my first time directly experiencing how that person deals with conflict, and it was uncomfortable. Maybe, it was all of the above. But one piece of advice I received at the time that stood out was:
Too often, women discard their friendships so carelessly over issues that are fixable. Yet on the flip-side, let the most disrespectful and damaging of things slide in romantic partnerships. Don’t be one of those women.
I was like:
"Yeah, you right you right! I'm not gonna do that fr, I'm just hurt and tryna make shit make sense 😂😭"It’s still some real ass shit to this day. It’s like ditching your classic 1967 Chevy Impala because the tire pressure light came on, but then going and taking out a second mortgage to fix up a rusted-out 1993 Geo Metro with no AC, no radio, and a leaking exhaust (Like, girl, just buy a new car at that point!). And I think that’s a point every person, every woman especially, should stop and realistically consider when it comes down to it.
“How much do I value this connection? How much does this person value me? How much do I feel considered and safe with this person? Is this something truly out of alignment for me, or is this something we can work through together?”
Now of course, romantic connections will consist of many expectations, behaviors, and routines that are inherently different than those that are platonic, by definition. But if we know that people evolve, everyone evolves, everything evolves. Why would we expect our friendships to be the exception to the rule? Sometimes, we do grow at different paces and in different directions. And with growth can come friction. But at the end of the day, if once you take the emotions out of it and see shit for what it is, and realize you probably just need to change the damn tire pressure…..just change the damn tire pressure. Don’t give up a good thing because you’re lazy or want to cling onto your pride and ego because once you do that, you let the patriarchy win. And if the patriarchy wins? We all lose!
Now, “How do you do that?”, you may ask.
You listen. You communicate. You open yourself up to that conversation. Initiate or receive that dialogue.
“Hey, I love you. I think we had a misunderstanding somewhere and just want to get on the same page with you. Can we chat?”
“Hey, I really appreciate you and our friendship. I just want to communicate these changes I’m going through, and I think x,y, and z would help me operate better nowadays. Is that something you’d be willing to try and accomodate?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was bothering you. What do you need from me? How can I improve moving forward?”
Whatever the conversation is, it’s worth being had, respectfully. I dare argue that de-centering men would level the energetic balance of values and make it drastically easier if not be the key for women to feel more aligned, attuned and fulfilled within their platonic connections. But I digress.
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does great conversation really require expertise?
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